did nothing of interest. nothing. i did the bloody laundry for hours. nothing! i'm just hanging on 'til saturday. i think i should make some effort to go to bed earlier so that i can work toward getting up at about five on saturday. *sigh*
today was completely unsatisfying and anti-social. i want to call people. i'm going a bit nuts. i haven't left the house since sunday. eww. oh, well, i'll have to leave for a bit tomorrow. dentist appointment. blargh.
get me to utah before i die of boredom and misery.
get me back to school. i wilt when i'm not among friends. i suppose this tells me that i should try to always have housemates. i prefer conflict to boredom.
you know, this is rather funny. my mom is convinced that i'm a loner, but i apparently can't cut it. my dad thinks i'm quite social, but i can't really hack that either. i used to tell myself that i'm a wonderful compromise between the unfortunate characteristics of my mother and father. now i don't think i'm doing that much better than either of them. granted i have friends, but it's hard to tell right now, since i haven't heard from most of them in what seems like ages. i'm so damned lonely. i never would have thought that i was this reliant on other people. what a shock for me.
*sigh* i want to be back at school, but i'm getting back to where i was freshman year. i'm thinking again that i'd rather be at a different school. darn it all, why am i never happy with what i have? i know i can't answer that, it's a fundamental flaw in human nature. still damned frustrating, though.
argh. i'm thinking, "put me on a game show. sandry expresses an emotion. any guesses as to what it'll be? go with either, a)depression, b)frustration or c)loneliness and you'll get the jackpot six times out of seven."
darn it!! i still think i'm not depressed! am i just in denial? i'm so screwed up in the head. really. this is what i'm getting out of this log. i'm writing down what i'm feeling, then i'm looking at it and thinking, "you're absolutely out of your mind. you should just be put out of your misery."
i want to be normal for a day, just to see what it feels like. i wonder about that too often. my mind is so convoluted and messy, i wonder what it would be like to see things without all these shadings of cynicism and negativity. i think i do have those. not so much for the world, but for my place in it. i've always held that the world was fairly wondrous, but i just never feel like i'm supposed to fit into it.
talk about an attitude set for self-defeat.
it seems like half my thoughts and beliefs are double sided. i keep feeling like i'm so worthless, but then i have such an ego at times. i keep thinking it's all just an elaborate mess constructed on an unsteady foundation which will someday just all crash into itself.
the ego thing... i know who i am. i know my strong points, for the most part. i can get pretty obnoxious if i don't watch it, because i think of myself as better than a lot of other people. people who are stupid or shallow or without morals all get condescended to in my own nasty way. i end up looking like a megalomaniac.
only problem is that i fundamentally disbelieve all of it. deep down i am absolutely convinced that i'm just worthless. there's no other way to phrase it. it's almost like i've been brainwashed, because whenever i think of these things and try to describe them, that's my word. worthless.
i know that i'm a good musician. i've worked pretty hard at it. i'm nowhere near the best, and i'm not good enough to make it in performance. what does that make my ability? worthless.
i know that i'm intelligent. i'm nowhere near as intelligent as i want to be, and i pale when faced with so many people i associate with. i'm constantly finding that i think i'm just stupid. i don't understand enough. i am out of the loop. i'm worthless.
it leaves me with a quirky feeling. i want to say that i don't believe it, but i can't manage that. i can't say that i really endorse it, either, though. i suppose it's just that i'll never be good enough for myself.
i'm an incredible perfectionist. it really helps with playing an instrument. it's also awful to face.
i'm a complete elitist. no one is good enough for me, and especially not myself. i push my insanely high standards onto everyone and everything. when i sit in studio and hear others play, i almost always find the performances to be filled with flaws and just generally unsatisfactory. i pick out errors by professionals, too. this is not to say that it eliminates the value of the performance, but it makes it not quite good enough in my eyes.
not that people never measure up, remarkably enough. this past semester i heard bill stevens' recital and he actually surpassed my standards. bloody amazing. the thing is that he's a clarinetist. maybe if he were a flutist i still would have been picking. of course even when i do hear flaws in playing i still find that some others are up to par in our studio.
ah, who am i kidding? the only people i felt were good enough in the studio were the two top flutists, laura and kate.
my standards are insane. so am i. i felt that i should have been playing on laura's level. laura is older than i am. not just in terms of her being a senior this past year. she was also a transfer student. i think she may be twenty two or older. two years will make quite a difference in one's playing.
i'm completely unrealistic. none of the people in my year play up to my standards. well, that figures. strictly in terms of seating, i'm prolly still top in my year, and i certainly couldn't be good enough. why not?? i've been in our school's top ensemble for three semesters out of six. our orchestra only takes three or four people out of a studio of twenty five or more. i beat out upperclassmen to sit there are a sophomore. dr. rudge felt i was good enough to play in his outside orchestra. maybe i should feel that i've got enough talent. i'm still getting negative messages, though. i swear dr. royal despises me.
when faced with these sort of personal affronts i can come up with so many reasons why i am good enough, why i am worthwhile. funny how i don't actually believe myself. i don't know if dr. royal is genuinely still giving me negative signs, but i keep seeing them. well, the first one being that i'm the only one at this point who will have gone through four years with the adjunct professor. i'm not good enough to be in dr. royal's studio? no, that is complete and utter bunk. now that the seniors have graduated, i'll wager i am the single best technical player in the studio. she's got some freshmen in her studio. what the heck? i think she just hates me and doesn't want to work with me.
why?? what's wrong with me? i actually do the work. i practice. more than some of her pets in the studio. i'll be a bloody success story for her, really.
i guess i'm just objectionable as a person. i'm really beginning to sway back and forth madly on this topic.
am i? i can't see how i'm not. i'm so opinionated and forceful. i'm too intolerant. i'm always depressive and i whinge so damned much. i'm not social and i don't fit in to the norm at all. i'm ugly and overweight, and everything about me is just huge and clumsy. i've been this way all my life. i'm so immature. i'm irresponsible, i'm selfish, and i have so many mental problems.
people like me, though. actually a fairly large number. it's so messed up. i hate myself. the thing is, though, i wouldn't ever switch. i've considered it rather a lot, and despite all the respect i have for so many people, i would never trade. i don't want to be someone different.
i can't figure this all out. i'm never going to see myself clearly because i'm blinded by self-hatred. i feel like no one should befriend me because i'm just too messed up to have a worthwhile and healthy relationship with anyone. it's a pit, though. i'll never get out if i don't have my friends.
why? why is jenna friends with me? i have nothing to even say to her anymore. i hardly see her. she's so damned smart, and she's funny. she's a brilliant writer and she knows what she's doing with her life. she has so much talent, and nowhere near as many issues as i have.
what does lisa see in me? she is such a great person. she's so funny and personable. she has such great wit and understanding. i love her so much.
maybe that's all there is to it. maybe it's just that people want respect and love and i'm just some pathetic heap and i give it to them. i don't think so, though. i just don't know. i can't see how anyone could look past all the awfulness about me. it almost seems like even my mother begrudges her love of me. like i'm not actually worth it. but then occasionally she'll tell me what a good person i am and how much she values me. it's so screwed up. everything in my life is set up to make me dualized and psychotic. i've picked up some sort of fundamentally divided self.
can i get a clean slate? can i just erase all this? i want to start over. new parents. new life. i could be normal. i think my potential started out fairly all right. it's just where i've gotten to that's objectionable.
it's not me. i didn't do it. i wish. it's avoidance. it's true, though. i think so.
i think i'm largely a screwed up product of my environment. i get my mother telling me how i'm irresponsible and lazy and a liar, oh, but i admire you. i have my father insinuating that i can't take care of myself, telling me i'm unattractive, always making sure that i understand that he's more intelligent than i am in these subtle ways, then telling me i'm someone he respects.
hello?? consistency, people!
what the hell has my life become? i just want it all to go away. i just want to go away. i've been trying to rscape my entire life. i probably don't fear death as much as i think. i'd finally be free.
damn it, though. i love living. i've always felt that suicide is not an option. my philosophy is that if you kill yourself it will never get better. that's not all, though. i really am enjoying my ife.
how the hell does that work? i don't understand anything about my life anymore. i am the world's least consistent person. i make no bloody sense. lately i just keep screaming inside my own head, "what the heck is wrong with me? what is going on in my life? why am i so screwed up?" i think i've been in the process of a seven year long break down. it just won't come to a head. my life is too much for me to deal with. i just want everything to go away.
they say that suicide only comes up when the person feels there are no other options. maybe that's the real reason i don't consider it. i have always been able to just coast until i can get out. passivism all the way. it means you don't get hurt. well, maybe just less so. i have nothing of any value left to write.
all that i can say is that i want to be free.
posted by Unknown at 11:18 PM