well, today was... interesting. i spent a good portion of the day with my mother's good friend, joan. my mother's thirty seven year old friend. well, it gave me some new perspectives on my mother. not much, since i'm friendly with so many of her friends already. is it me, or is that odd?
anyhow, so why was i spending this time with joan? i went with her to the long beach library for this job counseling session that she signed up for. nice service--free one hour consultation with some professional (or so i assume) woman. this still doesn't explain why i went.
i don't really know that there's a rational reason. largely, i think i just didn't object enough. to me, the most obvious explanation for my trip would be that my mother possibly suggested it herself in view of my recent revelations to her.
mom and i got into a conversation at five thirty in the morning yesterday on the topics of my major, this summer, my future, and just about everything else of any importance. i imagine either a) she asked joan to take me, or b) she told joan a large bit of what i told her (she does that all the time, and it bothers me) and joan took initiative. how about a little less initiative next time on everyone's parts?
so i suppose i found the session somewhat interesting, but largely inapplicable to my life. advice for a middle aged woman who is looking into managerial work and hasn't gone through college is a pretty far shot off of what my life looks like thus far. the counselor did suggest that i sign up for a session myself, (of course--we're all about business) but i sincerely doubt that she will be of much help to me. in any case, i would do as well to talk to the job placement offices at school.
while the session was of minimal interest to me, what happened afterwards was a bit more noteworthy. while driving back home, joan and i had a rather extended discussion on our lives and especially on my mother. especially on my mother's controlling tendencies, actually. i was rather surprised to find that mom actually does these things to some of her friends, too. joan said that at one point she told my mother, "i'm old enough to be your daughter's mother," in an attempt to put things in perspective. ^_^
so basically, joan decided that i'm not insane, and that while i may be going a bit too far in some cases with my attempts to resist my mother's interference, for the most part i'm making sense. we also talked about psychiatry, family problems, and many other things. although, to some extent it felt to me as though there was an entire third of the conversation missing, because i couldn't really tell her all that i was thinking about the topics which were presented. after all, she is my mother's friend, and i assume that's where her loyalties would fall predominantly.
i wish i could have kept a running log of my brain, though, because the thoughts i was having were worthwhile. of course i remember almost none of it. my memory is generally excellent, but i need either aural or visual cues to stimulate it. mental conversations with myself really have none of the above.
one thing that i kept thinking about, and that i have been thinking about often for quite a while now, is culpability. i tend to whinge and complain rather often about my circumstances. i consider it a large flaw. what i'm trying to decide is if i'm feeling like my screwed-upness (now there's a word) is something that i can legitimately pin on others or on circumstance and detach myself from. it's always easier to believe you aren't responsible for whatever hardships, but i think that's the easy way out. i didn't get to this point without contributions.
i do feel that environment has an undeniable effect on people, and i feel that absolutely anyone would be hard pressed to come out of my background with a normal self-esteem, self-concept, etc. it's not just that, though. for the most part i think self-esteem is the driving force behind all the things that i find the most flawed about my being, but there are other aspects, i'll bet. i just don't focus on those as much, maybe because they aren't as obvious?
one example of how self-esteem issues become less straight forward and more convoluted in their applications in my life: i hardly ever see doctors or take medicine. this is partially because i have an aversion to drugs and to doctors, but is also largely founded on two odd notions. one-i'm not worthwhile, so if i die due to neglect it's okay, and it might even make things easier. two-my mother has inculcated in me a belief that i'm making everything up, that i'm an actress and that i generally whinge about nothingness. i shouldn't go to the doctor because there's nothing wrong with me.
most recent application of this was right at the end of finals week when my tonsils felt so swollen that i wanted to rip them out of my throat with my bare hands. i waited the whole thing out. five days, i believe it was, with severe discomfort for most of the time.
i'll bet some of number two originates with my mother's family and culture, actually. i know my grandmother is definitely one who believes in sticking out pain and learning to just deal with things. shut up and deal with it is a big message in my family. i'm not obeying lessons well with all this whingeing, though, now am i?

good heavens am i wondering off topics like there's no tomorrow.
anyhow, culpability... yes, your environment has an impact, but if you leave off personal responsibility, then you end up with patently ridiculous arguments. the homicidal killer isn't responsible for all these deaths, because he was beaten as a child. lots of people have messed up families, but not all of them are turning out to be failures. like me.
no, i'm not a failure. i think this will pass. yes, my major is well and screwed up, but i think i'll get around it. i haven't been completely slacking off, and this isn't an enormous illustration of my lack of worth. i have talent, i can still do something with my life. i think, though, that i'm going to end up having a complete one eighty degree shift in major when i get to grad school. how messy.
good word, i've written a novel.
one last thought. i spoke with my father today. after my whole somewhat tearful relation of the recent complications of my major, he told me that he admires me. i replied, "a lot of people have been telling me that lately. damned if i can figure out why."
really, though. why? if i heard this from some of my friends, i'd have a clue. one thing i am is a good friend. i think i have a great capacity for love and understanding, so as a friend, i'd get good marks. other people, though? my father? my mother's friends??
what especially confuses me is when i get positive reactions from people from the brunching ubb who don't know me that well. why say nice things to me? i'm a stranger. people are so supportive (or something like it?) of me in irc. it's just insane. i cannot figure out for the life of my what of my personality could possibly come through on line other than intelligence, sarcasm and self-loathing. my humour does not translate out of a here and now physical context, it seems. what could anyone see in me? obviously there's something i'm missing. (or these people are incredible actors) so now i'm back to wondering who i am. as usual. *sigh* good night.
posted by Unknown at 1:21 AM