so today was absolutely fascinating. well, no, but it was really clarifying. my mom has been after me to go to therapy for a while now, and after last night i finally said heck with it and agreed. one session, though. i guess mom was rather worried about my whole career crisis. i think i gained ground by giving in. it makes other demands look pushy, now.
anyhow, so i went today to see this psychologist about my future. that sounds blammed funny. i want to substitute "prognosticator". it was really helpful, though. i've been having a lot of mental anguish about my difficulties in the education program. after our conversation, i realized i hadn't really wanted to go into education in the first place.
i wanted to major in music. i love it, i'm good at it, and it's beautiful. i didn't really want to teach, though. other people suggested it, told me i'd be good at it, and generally encouraged me. my mother was very much in favour of it. she feels that i won't get a job unless i have a specific target with my major. she originally wanted me to get some sort of major that gave certification for a job. there just aren't many of those.
my mom really wants me to be successful and cares about me. unfortunately, her definition of successful has a lot to do with money. she really wanted me to go into the sciences (my worst subject, or well, at any rate, i'm no good at labs) and pestered both debi and i with ambitions of pharmacy for years. pharmacy?? me? i think not. (meanwhile, i swear one of these days mom will open her eyes and realize that pushing me in one direction will get her results usually from the other direction)
so the psychologist brought up some good points.
1) there isn't a high correlation between what you major in and what you do for a living.
2) there's always grad school.
3) if i'm doing what i want to be doing, then i'll have a better chance of success.
4) mom is probably objecting so highly because of anxiety for me.
5) i do know what i want, i just have to do the research to see what corresponds in the job market.

wow. i know what i want. this is the first time that i've been told that and had it actually dawn on me. i do know where i want to be going.
oh, and what is it that i want? well, i guess that's important. well, it is to me, anyway. what i want is to find a career which combines music with computers. shouldn't be that bad. i think i can maybe even fiddle a bit with my schedule and get some more experience in. then let's consider that if i'm not doing a music ed degree, i'll have time for these things! i think i ended up fulfilling almost all of the requirements for a general music degree in the first two years of school. (now what does that tell you about a music ed degree? can you say, "non-acknowledged double major"? argh)
in any case, i'm still thinking that after some time in the field i'd like to go back to school, get my doctorate, and possibly teach on a college level. i just don't think there's any way that teaching in the public schools with sixty or so rowdy kids in a band is ever going to work for me. young adults in a theory or technology classroom? yes. one on one lessons? oh, definitely. mass chaos? nope. i don't have the confidence and force of personality.
i'm beginning to think i should almost be grateful to TR (that jerk) for all the torture he's put me through, because before this i wasn't thinking about whether or not any of this was what i wanted or what was good for me. i was very focused on getting though. there's a rather high drop out rate in the program, and i just didn't want to be one of them. i'm so bloody stubborn, and the higher they turn up the heat, the more i insist that i can deal with it. honestly, though, could we maybe have done it without that one sleepless night coincidentally right before three important finals? you know, just because mercy amuses us?
with all of this said and done, what i now realize is that i have a lot of research ahead of me. i have to figure out what sort of jobs i'll be looking for in the future, i have to figure out if i should go to grad school first, (and where to go if i do) and i have to double check on the requirements for a music major. although i really can't see there being much more for me to have to do. i'll be so happy to stay with a music major. the time i've put it so far.... oi. i was so worried it would end up being largely inapplicable and that i'd have to start again. i just couldn't see that education wasn't the only choice.
it's a darn good thing this will all still be somewhat helpful. how many classes have i taken?? history courses covering from the medieval era to today, the equivalent of seven years of music theory, two years of piano and courses in about eight other instruments. not to mention three years of lessons in which i've learned to play about thirty pieces all of college level difficulty or higher and four education courses with entirely too much time devoted to them. honestly, i've gone through an insane amount of work and learned quite a bit. i often feel as though i'm slacking off too much, but the amount of effort i put in would get me top marks in many other majors. i'm almost done with my general core requirements for school, and i'll be able to get out of here on time.
you know what? i'm not a failure after all. the only courses i was doing poorly in were the ed ones, and now i begin to understand why. i really never wanted to do it. what a load off my chest. god bless, i'm going to be just bloody fine.
oh, and here's a kicker. i'im sure that when i get out whatever job i finally end up with will give me a higher quality of life than an underpaid teaching job. bite me, mom. =Þ
posted by Unknown at 11:21 PM