okay, heaven help me, i've apparently decided i don't waste enough of my time. well, actually, i can't pretend i don't know why this interests me. this is all related to my current topic of interest, which is reality.
this sounds really simplistic. hmm. i've been thinking lately about who i am. i've been doing a lot of re-evaluating, and i continually find myself wondering if i'm presenting myself accurately. this has actually brought me to a conclusion: i'm not sure if i'm accurately portraying myself, since i'm not entirely sure at the moment who i am. i sound psychotic. oh dear.
i suppose that an idea someone brought up recently, that soul is not permanent or fixed, and that all of ourselves is brought about through chemical means, put me onto this subject. i keep wanting to think that soul does transcend physiology, but that's me using my heart, not my head. i tend not to believe me when i do that.
i've also found, lately, that i'm thinking that many of my issues may be just errant chemicals. earlier tonight i was feeling abysmal for no particularly good reason. when this happens i will have a host of things to say explaining why i am unfortunate, or why life is unpleasant, or why my existance is particularly painful, but that's not the cause of my mood. it's merely justification that is brought about by brooding on my life's occasional unpleasantness. (well, maybe not that occasional) so i've been thinking that my moods seem to have nothing to do with the day's events, but are merely coincidental and depend on some physical processes beyond my understanding.
today i whinged at several people, and they were quite sympathetic, which usually would make me feel somewhat better, but somehow today it didn't. i could just feel that i was worn down physically and emotionally. i was too drained to feel positive.
it didn't seem related to energy, though. granted i did a disgusting amount of menial labour today, and i was genuinely tired, but somehow i think it was a fatigue of the soul, or some equivalent. (oh dear, fetch out the awful poetry, that was beyond trite.) so i guess what i'm thinking is that my fatigue was due to hormones or chemicals and had nothing to do with me.
but wait, i've already been considering if that particular chemical/hormonal nothing is what i'm made of. this is such a depressing thought. i can't imagine such a limit on self. the idea that i'm completely transient and that my soul is just wafting around in space, completely unsteady, is just odd. i have to believe there is something that is fundamentally me.
so this is the reason for the new distraction. i never work out my arguments and beliefs until i have to explain them, so if i put this all down here, maybe i'll find me in here somewhere. and if i find me, then i can introduce me to others. finally i will be able to understand myself, and have the potential to some day be understood by others. and isn't that what i'm looking for?
posted by Unknown at 2:12 AM