not getting enough sleep lately. tonight again i can see it'll happen again. totally my fault, i'm sure, too. i'm just vaguely frustrated with a bunch of things and i'm slowly going more insane than i was even to begin with. remarkable, that, really. if i had any self-confidence my life would be infinitely easier. ah well. i work under the same handicaps i've had for almost twenty one years, so at least i'm accustomed to how this all works. surprises aren't good when they concern your personal weaknesses, i find.

week two of classes and nothing good going on, really. i have another fifty pages of awfulness in the frazer book for thursday, but class discussions are less than fulfilling. our prof now says she wants to discuss things in more detail on thursday. joy of my life. tomorrow i could have my first lesson. i could also opt to put it off until monday. i'm not sure what to do. i'm anxious, really. if i can justify waiting... i have nothing really prepared right now, but i wonder if i'll get enough done before monday to legitimize the wait. urgh. stomach roiling. going nuts. slowly mad. over numerous things.

i feel weighted down and just tangled up in so much right now. i keep having feelings of just wanting to walk away. i kept doing odd things on the bus ride back home yesterday where i'd think to myself, "hey, rochester's not a bad city. what if i just never went back home?" i can't be *that* impulsive, of course, but it's just showing how anxious i'm getting over things. gurgh. need new life.

argh. but at least things are more normal and reasonable for me than for say, cara. she just found out that our esteemed head of the music education department messed up her entire student teaching experience so that now she has nowhere to go while school's already started. she said she's feeling useless now and i really feel badly for her. all these simple things remind me why i don't want to be in that department, too.

i always feel like what i most want in life is to reach out to people and communicate, and then frequently i just want to get to know certain people better, but usually i don't have enough confidence to actually strike up conversations with people. i keep feeling like i must just be annoying as all hell to talk to.... then people like morde'an laugh at me for even saying that. why? i keep trying to figure this out. what on earth makes other people actually want to associate with me? i'm just completely baffled, really. i know what some of my strong points are, but it seems like so frequently they just don't apply to seventy five percent of the people i know.

i want some damned confidence and a feeling of worth so that i can do what needs to be done and get on with it. that goal should only take me another five or ten years to accomplish. ok then! i'll be together and competent at thirty. great, now i'll have to work on patience, too.
posted by Unknown at 12:14 AM