urgh. i was so happy yesterday. i went and saw cara, adam, joanne, and everyone from my hall. talked to cara for hours. i felt so loved. i was so happy. today... my life is suddenly not so good.

auditions are tomorrow. i practiced several hours today, but it's not enough. i'm not prepared. i'm so nervous, and i'm going to be bloody horrified tomorrow. i hate auditions. these aren't even really fair ones. they skew results due to favouritism and seniority. i've been in orchestra, our top ensemble, for three semesters now. if i fall, i have a long way down. in order for me to stay with what everyone else expects of me, i have to get a seat in at *least* on of the top five spots, at this point, more probably second or third in the studio. which is bunk, since i'm not really that good.

i hate hate hate competition. i hate fake smiles and courtesy while the whole bloody studio would sabotage anyone given the chance. not me, though. today i lent my biggest competitor (theoretically) some sheet music so that he could work on it for tomorrow's audition. even if i lose my seat... i don't know. i have the respect of two thirds of the studio, i'm well liked by both the band and the orchestra director, my lesson teacher loves me, and i've acted in a manner that is acceptable to me at all times, i think. so at least i'm not vengeful, shallow and bitchy like half the studio seems to be. mrf.

meanwhile... so this is dwelling on my mind so much because i can't really afford to think about the other things that are going on right now. not good. i need to get tested for diabetes. asap. not good. i just want to sleep.
posted by Unknown at 9:22 PM