i've been waiting and procrastinating for about an hour and a half so that i could keep consistency and not lose a day. meanwhile, i have nothing to say.
i think i'm getting a bit irritated of late. mostly i just wish debi would get better since i still have to fetch everything for her, then she's bitter and biting if i haven't done whatever tasks exactly as she pleases. also, i resent that she's upset with me for not cleaning exactly when she feels i should considering that in the month i've been here, i've pretty much been the only one cleaning. something like barb-80%, deb-20%. bleargh. which is not to say that debi does nothing for me, but i don't whinge at her if we don't go straight home if she's picked me up from work, so i don't find it to be fair that she's complaining that i didn't clean off her mess on the living room table at one am like she asked. can i not do it tomorrow at a bloody normal hour?? blargh. i want my own damned apartment.
i love debi. a lot. she's not someone i really should live with, though. i think that at least half my friends are people i shouldn't live with. it's odd... i wouldn't think i'm that picky.... but maybe i am? hum.
all i really want is a compromise between personal space and actual social interaction. darn it, dorms are perfect. can't i just stay in school forever? well, no, i really want an apartment. i wish... i wish... i wish that this had any meaning. i wish that august were here already. i wish that i could actually talk to people. i'm full of hope right now, but still somewhat anxious.
the more it seems your life is going well, the more you're aware of what you have to lose. today i'm in a bit of a mood because i want universal approbation, and there ain't no way in hell anyone's getting it, let alone me. i wish i weren't so boring. i wish i could express myself better. i wish....
long im conversation with my mother just now... she's still all upset about debi. darn it, you can't really do anything about it. try and be more rational. she wants me to keep in touch more often. eargh. i'm such a bad daughter. meanwhile, she's also telling me that debi and i need to improve our diets now. have you seen my diet?? how could you possibly judge? i'm betting she's less healthy than i am now. argh.
why does my family have so much of a focus on food? it's almost like it shouldn't be a problem, but it's made into one because of all this focus. mom's got books, magazines... she used to go to meetings... can't we just be normal? is that too difficult?
i want to be on my own so that i can do all this the way i feel is proper. i want to live in a place i have put together. i want to be responsible for my problems and *only* my problems. my life should be my own. no one should live vicariously through me, and i should not need to keep people updated on exactly what i'm doing unless i want to. i want freedom. i want independence.
i always have the same wishes, the same goals, the same desires. i never seem to make any progress towards these things. am i wrong? can i just not see it? or is it even possible at this point for my goals to be reached or even for any efforts to bring me closer? why do i feel like my life is somehow just endless frustration as i just try to pass time and get to a better place?
it's not even that i'm unhappy now. i'm just frustrated. stagnating. again. darn, why does my life seem so stale?
ok, i'm convinced it's all just fleeting, momentary things and that if i just shut up and go to bed it'll all be better in the morning. umm yeah. honestly i just want time to go faster. maybe i'll sleep more. yeah. there's a plan. oi. g'night.
posted by Unknown at 3:45 AM